For the better part of the past decade, Axe — a division of Unilever, the Anglo-Dutch multinational that also owns Hellmans,Lipton, Dove, and, let’s face it, is probably super evil — has aggressively and successfully marketed its line of male scent products with ridiculous but self-aware commercials showing schlumpy men becoming irresistible to women immediately after applying said scent products. Also, according to the most reliable thing on the internet,Wikipedia, the past couple of years have seen a series of incidents involving “Teens… using [Axe] body spray as small makeshift flame throwers due to its high alcohol content. Videos on social networking sites depicted teens lighting themselves on fire.”
For better or for worse, the following post has nothing to do with teens lighting themselves on fire and almost exclusively everything to do with the realpolitik effects of Axe application. If you’re just here to read about teens lighting themselves on fire, you can leave now.
My assignment, handed down directly from the Brooklyn Dolls high command, was to sample the most potent of all Axe products: the Vice Deodorant Bodyspray, rumored to be an exact simulacra of the way Don Johnson’s blazers smelled after a full sweaty day of shooting on Miami Vice combined with the way Colin Farrell’s eyebrow makeup smelled after a full sweaty day of shooting on Miami Vice. Being something of an amateur scientist, I set up two controlled experiment settings.
1.Location: My apartment.
Present: Two dudes, aka my roommates.
The procedure: A liberal surprise spraying of Vice throughout the common area, while the dudes watched Man vs. Food.
The result: Mayhem. Chaos. Panic. All coming from the dudes shrieking like little girls. No foxy women coming out of the walls to preposterously sexily maul my roommates.
Secondary result: Roommates spraying each other in the face with the Vice after I left it out and went to my room, but that would have probably happened with anything I had left out there. In fact, I’m surprised they didn’t light themselves on fire.
Conclusion: AXE FAILURE
2.Location: The basketball court.
Present: A whole ton of dudes, none of whom is either one of my roommates.
The procedure: A liberal, planned spraying on my person before leaving for the basketball court. The result: Again, no foxy women coming out of anything to maul anyone.
Secondary result: Played one of the best pick-up basketball games of my life. Is it possible the other dudes didn’t want to get too close, a cornerstone of any good defense, thanks to powerful Vice scent?
Conclusion: AXE THEORETICAL UNINTENTIONAL SUCCESS.
So, is AXE good for macking ladies? Probably not. Is it good for playing basketball with unmotivated hungover people? Maybe. Is it good for setting yourself on fire if you’re a teenager? Almost definitely.